Best of: John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke

Best of: John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke

– Being married’s so nice. I never knew relationships were supposed to make you
feel better about yourself. (audience laughing)
That’s not really a joke, that’s just a little
sweet thing I like to say. (audience laughing) ‘Cause I’ve been in relationships where I got cheated on, like long ones. I dunno if you’ve ever
been in a long relationship where you got cheated on, but it changes your whole world view. ‘Cause like when I was a kid, I used to watch America’s Most Wanted, you know how kids do. (audience laughing) And I would always think to myself, “How could another person kill someone? “How could a human being
kill another human being?” And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.” (audience laughing) “I’m not gonna do it,
but I totally get it.” And I don’t mean in that way of like, “No one else can have you”, like I don’t care about that, it’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. They have a lot of information. Anyone who’s seen my
dick and met my parents needs to die, I can’t
have them roaming around. (audience laughing) Strange, the passage of time. (audience laughing) I’m not that old, I’m 35. That is not old, but I am in a new phase right before old, called gross. (audience laughing) I never knew about this,
but I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now, and I will be damp later. I (laughs), like the back
of a dolphin, my back. I am…
(audience laughing) I am slick. The butt part of my pants
is a little damp a lot, and I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? (audience laughing)
And, I’ll be sitting in a restaurant, and I’ll get up, and I’ll be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me. (audience laughing) I’m gross now. I’ve been talking through burps. (audience laughing) I never used to do this. When I was a kid and I wanted to burp, I’d be like, “Silence!” (mimics loud burping) (audience laughing) Now I’m tryin’ to like, push ’em down and muscle through ’em. (audience laughing) I’ll be at dinner, just doin’
the bread and the seltzer, fillin’ up like a hot air balloon, and then I’m like,
“(mimics burp) Did you say “that you were going
to Italy (mimics burp) (audience laughing) “‘Cause we have a travel agent. “She has a travel agent (mimics burp). “Listen, I’m goin’ to the kitchen, “does anyone need anything (mimics burp) “for the, (mimics burp)
does anyone need anything?” Just take a pause, John. (audience laughing) I’m gross, I have hair
on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that, that’s how much I hate that shit. (audience laughing) I was sittin’ up in bed a few
weeks ago, like (groaning). You know, life. (audience laughing)
And my wife was rubbing my shoulders,
which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself, “Monkey, monkey, monkey man, (audience laughing) “monkey, monkey, monkey man.” Not at me, not to be mean. This was a song from
deep in her subconscious. (audience laughing) I don’t even think she was
aware she was singing it, but it was certainly not the
first time she had sung it. (audience laughing) I don’t know what my body is for, other than just takin’ my
head from room to room. (audience laughing) And it’s not getting any better. I’m 35, but I’m still like, “Hey, when am I gonna get big and strong?” (audience laughing) This is it, this is it. It’s just gonna be this. I’m like an iPhone, it’s gonna be worse
versions of this every year. Plus, I get super hot in the middle of the
afternoon for no reason. (audience laughing) As I get older, it’s
tough to not get grumpy. It’s tempting, I get
grumpy about some things, like I can’t listen to any new songs, ’cause every new song is about
how “tonight is the night”, and how “we only have tonight.” That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I wanna write songs
for people in their 30s called, “Tonight’s No
Good, How About Wednesday?” (audience laughing) Oh, you’re in Dallas on Wednesday? Oh, okay, well then let’s
just not see each other for eight months, and it
doesn’t matter at all. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) The weirdest thing, when I was like a kid, was how much they scared
us about smoking weed. They scared us about it constantly, and I’ve been on tour this year, marijuana’s legal in like 18 or 19 states in some form or another, it’s insane. (audience cheering) Yeah, well, all right, don’t “woo” if you’re white. It’s always been legal for us, c’mon, sir. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) We don’t go to jail for
marijuana, you silly billy. When I was arrested with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert,
I did not serve hard time. (audience laughing) I think I got an award. (audience laughing) 18 or 19 states, and by the way, I agree. It’s a very good thing, but it’s also a really weird thing, because this is the
first time I’ve ever seen a law change because the
government is just like, “(sighs) Fine.” You know?
(audience laughing) I’ve never seen it before, like gay marriage and healthcare, we have to battle it
out in the Supreme Court and be like, “Gay people are humans.” And they’re like, “We’ll think about it.” (audience laughing)
But with weed, it was just somethin’
we wanted really badly, and we kept askin’ them for 40 years, like, “Excuse me…” (audience laughing) And then suddenly, the government
became like cool parents, and they’re just like, “Okay, here. “Take a little, (audience laughing) “we’d rather you do it in the house “than go somewhere else,
blah-blah-blah, blah-blah.” (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Everything is too fast now,
and totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world’s run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we’re not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff. (audience laughing) All day long, “May I see my stuff please?” (audience laughing) (John grumbles) (audience laughing) “I smell a robot. (audience laughing) “Prove, prove, prove.” (audience laughing) “Prove to me you’re not a robot. “Look at these curvy letters. “Much curvier than most
letters, wouldn’t you say? “No robot could ever read these. “You look mortal, if ye be. “You look, and then you
type what you think you see. “Is it an E, or is it a 3? “That’s up to ye.” (audience laughing) “The passwords have passed,
you’ve correctly guessed. “But now it’s time for the robot test! (audience laughing) “I’ve devised a question
no robot could ever answer. “Which of these pictures does
not have a stop sign in it?” Fuckin’, what?
(audience clapping) You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t
wanna walk into the ocean. (audience laughing)

100 thoughts on “Best of: John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke

  1. Every once in awhile while I’m watching these I forget his name is John and so when he calls himself John I just laugh it off like a fake name and then realize it’s his actual name

  2. I can't unhear the "I'm gross now" bit without visualizing Andrew from Big Mouth saying something similar, lolz! 😆😂🤣😆😂🤣😆😂🤣

  3. If ants learned from reddit, they'll learn that cum is stored in the balls, so ants will go on a mission to bite mans balls to end the human race.

  4. I played some intense classical music in the background while listening to this and it made me feel like I was watching Spider-Ham do stand-up in disguise. 10/10 would recommend.

  5. The damp thing is reminiscent of Louis CK's "quarter cup of water" bit. To paraphrase, 'Nothing happened, but I need to wipe my ass right now…'

  6. This strong Asian American woman needs his own Netflix show for his imaginary children who catfish pedophiles and HIS W I F E

  7. Dear God,
    Please for the love of all that is holy and pure do not turn this pure cinnamonbun of a boy into an edgy "I CAN'T MAKE JOKES :(" comedian.
    Please let John never ever be tempted by his power to assault someone sexually or otherwise
    I need his bright light and I will lose my shit if he gets cancelled and can't make another special

  8. I've been caught with weed in Idaho Twice now. Once as a minor and once as an adult. I was on babies first probation for a fucking year. I got a 150$ fine and a paraphernelia charge as an adult. Idaho destroyed my shit as a child but let me roam away basically scott free as an adult. My husband spent the night in Jail when He got caught as a fresh 18 y/o. But he's brown so
    Point proven aptly John

  9. I'm only 17 but I'm entering the phase where you don't see your friends for months and it doesn't matter at all. The story begins at depression and ends at me losing my cellphone circumstantially every single time I'm at home

  10. I saw this before and I just have to repeat it here that John Mulaney would play an excellent Riddler in a Batman movie with that robot test voice.

  11. I finally gave in and watched a stand up from him. And yes, holy shit he is the most relatable and memeable person ever.

  12. Hello I'm white and went to jail for weed. Then watch three people none of whom were white get caught for stealing a car and get off scot free. Your hypothetical racist America ain't real.

  13. big mouth is complete fucking garbage but this guys bits are actually pretty fucking good, I guess we all do terrible things for money sometimes.

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