I was one of the founding members
of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. The other founding members
included Ahmed Ahmed, who is an Egyptian-American,
who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out
before we went out as a tour. He went out solo and did it first. Then there was Aron Kader,
who was the Palestinian-American. And then there was me,
the Iranian-American of the group. Now, being Iranian-American
presents its own set of problems, as you know. Those two countries
aren’t getting along these days. So it causes a lot of inner
conflict, you know, like part of me likes me,
part of me hates me. (Laughter) Part of me thinks I should
have a nuclear program, the other part thinks
I can’t be trusted with one. These are dilemmas I have every day. But I was born in Iran;
I’m now an American citizen, which means I have the American passport, which means I can travel. Because if you only have
the Iranian passport, you’re kind of limited to the countries
you can go to with open arms, you know — Syria, Venezuela, North Korea. (Laughter) So, anyone who’s gotten their passport
in America will tell you, when you get it, it still says
what country you were born in. So I remember getting
my American passport. I was like, “Woo-hoo!
I’m going to travel.” And I opened it up, it said, “Born
in Iran.” I’m like, “Oh, come on, man!” (Laughter) “I’m trying to go places.” (Laughter) But what’s interesting is, I’ve never had trouble in any Western
countries with my American passport, even though it says,
“Born in Iran” — no problems. Where I’ve had problems
is in some of the Arab countries. I guess some of the Arab countries
aren’t getting along with Iran either. So I was in Kuwait recently,
doing a comedy show with some other American comedians. They all went through. Then the border patrol saw my American
passport: “Ah-ha! American, great.” Then he opened it up.
“Born in Iran? Wait.” (Laughter) And he started asking me questions. He said, “What is your father’s name?” I said, “Well, he’s passed away,
but his name was Khosro.” He goes, “What
is your grandfather’s name?” I said, “He passed away a long time ago. His name was Jabbar.” He says, “You wait. I’ll be back,”
and he walked away. And I started freaking out, because I don’t know what kind
of crap my grandfather was into. (Laughter) Thought the guy was going
to come back and be like, “We’ve been looking
for you for 200 years.” (Laughter) “Your grandfather has
a parking violation. It’s way overdue. You owe us two billion dollars.” (Laughter) But as you can see, when I talk,
I speak with an American accent, which you would think,
as an Iranian-American actor, I should be able to play any part,
good, bad, what have you. But a lot of times in Hollywood, when casting directors find out
you’re of Middle Eastern descent, they go, “Oh, you’re Iranian. Great! Can you say ‘I will kill you
in the name of Allah?'” I go, “I could say that,
but what if I were to say, ‘Hello. I’m your doctor’?” They go, “Great! And then
you hijack the hospital.” (Laughter) Like, I think you’re
missing the point here. Don’t get me wrong,
I don’t mind playing bad guys. I want to play a bad guy.
I want to rob a bank. I want to rob a bank in a film, but do it with a gun, not with a bomb
strapped around me, right? (Laughter) Because I imagine the director:
“Maz, I think your character would rob the bank
with a bomb around him.” “Why would I do that? If I want the money,
why would I kill myself?” (Laughter) Right? (Applause) “Gimme all your money,
or I’ll blow myself up!” (Laughter) “Well, then blow yourself up. (Laughter) Just do it outside, please.” (Laughter) But the fact is, there’s good
people everywhere. That’s what I try and show in my stand-up,
good people everywhere. All it takes in one person to mess it up. Like a couple months ago
in Times Square in New York, there was a Pakistani Muslim guy
who tried to blow up a car bomb. Now, I happened to be in Times Square
that night doing a comedy show. And a few months before that, there
was a white American guy in Austin, Texas who flew his airplane
into the IRS building, and I happened to be in Austin that day
doing a stand-up comedy show. Now I’ll tell you,
as a Middle-Eastern male, when you show up around a lot
of these activities, you start feeling guilty at one point. (Laughter) I was watching the news. I’m like,
“Am I involved in this crap?” (Laughter) “I didn’t get the memo. What’s going on?” (Laughter) But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy —
see, he gives a bad name to Muslims and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis
from all over the world. And one thing that happened there
was also the Pakistani Taliban took credit for that failed car bombing. My question is: Why would you take credit
for a failed car bombing? “We just want to say: we tried.” (Laughter) “And furthermore … (Laughter) it is the thought that counts.” (Laughter) (Applause) “And in conclusion, win some, lose some.” (Laughter) But what happened was, when the white guy
flew his plane into the building, I know all my Middle Eastern
and Muslim friends in the States were watching TV, going, “Please, don’t be Middle Eastern.
Don’t be Hassan or Hussein.” And the name came out: Jack.
I’m like, “Woooo! That’s not one of us!” But I kept watching the news
in case they came back, and were like, “Before he did it,
he converted to Islam.” “Damn it! Why Jack? Why?” But the fact is, I’ve been lucky to get a chance to perform
all over the world, and I did a lot of shows
in the Middle East. I just did a seven-country solo tour. I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia. I was in Dubai. And it’s great, there’s good
people everywhere. And you learn great things
about these places. I encourage people always
to go visit these places. For example, Dubai — cool place. They’re obsessed with having the biggest,
tallest, longest, as we all know. They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall. It is so big, they have taxis in the mall. I was walking. I heard, “Beep! Beep!”
I’m like, “What are you doing here?” He goes, “I’m going to the Zara store.
It’s three miles away. Out of my way. Out of my way.
Out of my way.” (Laughter) And what’s crazy — there’s a recession
going on, even in Dubai, but you wouldn’t know by the prices. Like in the Dubai Mall,
they sell frozen yogurt by the gram. It’s like a drug deal. I was walking by. The guy goes,
“Psst! Habibi, my friend.” (Laughter) “You want some frozen yogurt? (Laughter) Come here. Come here. Come here. I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram.
How many gram do you want?” (Laughter) I bought five grams. 10 dollars.
10 dollars! I said, “What’s in this?” He’s like, “Good stuff, man.
Colombian. Top of the line.” (Laughter) The other thing you learn
when you travel in these countries, in the Middle East, Latin American,
South American countries, a lot of times when they build stuff,
there’s no rules and regulations. For example, I took my two-year-old son
to the playground at the Dubai Mall. And I’ve taken him to playgrounds
all over the United States. And when you put your two-year-old
on a slide in the United States, they put something on the slide to slow the kid down
as he comes down the slide. Not in the Middle East. (Laughter) I put my two-year-old on the slide,
he went whoosh! He took off! (Laughter) I went down and, “Where’s my son?”
“On the third floor, sir. Third floor.” (Laughter) “You take a taxi.
You go to Zara. Make a left.” (Laughter) “Try the yogurt. It’s very good.
Little expensive.” (Laughter) But one thing I try to do
with my stand-up is break stereotypes. And I’ve been guilty
of stereotyping as well. I was in Dubai. And there’s a lot
of Indians who work in Dubai. And they don’t get paid that well. And I got it in my head that all
the Indians must be workers. I forgot there’s obviously
successful Indians in Dubai too. I was doing a show, and they said,
“We’ll send a driver to pick you up.” I went down to the lobby,
and saw this Indian guy. I go, “He must be my driver,” since he’s standing there in a cheap
suit, thin mustache, staring at me. I say, “Excuse me, are you my driver?” He goes, “No, sir. I own the hotel.” (Laughter) I go, “I’m sorry!
Why were you staring at me?” He goes, “I thought you were my driver.” (Laughter) (Applause) (Laughter) I’ll leave you with this: I try,
with my stand-up, to break stereotypes, present Middle Easterners
and Muslims in a positive light. I hope that in the coming years, more film and television programs
come out of Hollywood, presenting us in a positive light. Who knows? Maybe one day,
we’ll even have our own James Bond. Right? “My name is Bond. Jamal Bond.” (Laughter) Til then, I’ll keep telling jokes.
Hope you keep laughing. Have a good day. Thank you. (Applause)