Hack Punt Tool (2012) – part 2

Hack Punt Tool (2012) – part 2


STORY JACK:
And so our little freshman joined his first hack, and merrily returned to his dorm, his head full of with images of renegade banners, mysterious messages in skylights, and dreams of being the most hardk0re hacker of all time! Meanwhile, another group gathered on campus. They wore all blue, had these funny octagonal hats, and held a radio in one hand and a doughnut in the other. CLAW:
Hmm… We’re out again… Hey, Officer Pachino, we’re out of doughnuts. PACHINO:
Well don’t expect me to do anything about it, Claw! I have to write up this stupid incident report because of those rascals last night! If you had taken better notes, maybe I — CLAW:
I’m sorry, I just didn’t think they were up to any harm. PACHINO:
Of course they were! They were up to no good! There were five kids! They had backpacks! CLAW:
All I’m saying is you’re making an awful lot of work for yourself… You could be getting doughnuts. PACHINO:
Oh get your own doughnuts, Claw! Well, at least there wasn’t a hack. KALF:
I believe you may be mistaken about that. PACHINO:
None of your sass, Kalf! KALF:
It was in Killian Court. It was plastered all over the Tech. PACHINO:
What!? CLAW:
Hey! I was reading that! I don’t remember that being there… KALF:
I believe it went up this morning. CLAW:
But who could have done it? SPRINKLES:
Those goddamn hackers… That’s who! PACHINO:
See Claw, I told you they were up to no good! SPRINKLES:
Those hackers, they think they’re so clever – snubbing their noses at the law, parading around rooftops in the dead of night! I’ve had it up to here with those hackers and I’ve had it up to here — with their hacks! KALF:
Sir, they’re- they’re just – they’re just pranks. SPRINKLES:
“Just pranks,” Kalf? “Just pranks”?? They are an insult to the very badges we wear – to the vows we took when we donned these uniforms those many years ago! Those hackers are endangering the well-being of this school by disobeying the law to put up their hacks, But their crusade against justice will soon end, because they’ve picked a fight with Sergeant Bruce E. Sprinkles, and no one messes with Sergeant Bruce E. Sprinkles! No one! In the name of William Barton Rogers, something must be done! SPRINKLES:
THEY’RE A MENACE AND A PLAGUE AND THIS SCHOOL IS OVERRUN, ‘TIL NOW WE’VE BEEN OUTDONE. WE’LL HUNT THOSE HACKERS DOWN AND GET THEM ALL EXPELLED. THE LAW MUST BE UPHELD. LET’S GET THOSE HACKERS, THEY THOUGHT WE NEVER COULD. LET’S GET THOSE FUUCCCKKKKKERRRRRRRSSS! AND STAMP THEM OUT FOR GOOD. KALF:
I HAVE A FINE IDEA TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OUR GOALS, THE ONLY THING TO DO IS TO INCREASE ALL OUR PATROLS. COPS:
PATROLS? KALF:
PATROLS. WE’LL TRIPLE OUR PATROLS. THE MORE THAT WE CAN SEE, THE LESS THEY’LL WANDER FREE. WITH ALL OF US WE’LL KEEP THEM IN CONTROL. CLAW: BUT AS YOU KNOW THEY’RE CLEVER, THEY WILL BEAT THAT IN A SNAP THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO LAY SOME SORT OF TRAPS… COPS: TRAPS? CLAW: TRAPS. PACHINO:
QUICK! GET A CAMPUS MAP! CLAW:
THEY’LL GET TO EVERY DOOR, BUT THEY’LL FIND ALARMS IN STORE, WHILE ROOFTOP SENSORS FILL IN EVERY GAP. COPS:
THEY’RE A MENACE AND A PLAGUE AND THIS SCHOOL IS OVERRUN, ‘TIL NOW WE’VE BEEN OUTDONE! WE’LL HUNT THOSE HACKERS DOWN AND GET THEM ALL EXPELLED! THE LAW MUST BE UPHELD! LET’S GET THOSE HACKERS! THEY THOUGHT WE NEVER COULD. LET’S GET THOSE HACKERS, AND STAMP THEM OUT FOR GOOD! SPRINKLES:
NO MORE CARS ON THE DOME, OR COWS OR WORKING PHONES. WITH SPRINKLES IN CHARGE,
THEY WILL MEET THEIR ULTIMATE END! PACHINO: THERE’S ONE LAST STEP TO GUARANTEE WE END THAT HORDE OF IMPS, WE’LL BUILD A FLEET OF SELF-SUFFICIENT FIRE-THROWING BLIMPS! COPS:
BLIMPS? PACHINO:
BLIMPS! COPS:
WAIT, BLIMPS?! PACHINO:
YES, BLIMPS! LAUNCH FIREBALLS FROM BLIMPS! WHEN FLAMES COME FROM THE SKY,
THE HACKERS’ PLANS WILL FRY! I THINK THOSE KIDS WILL FINALLY TAKE THE HINT. COPS:
THEY’RE A MENACE AND A PLAGUE AND THIS SCHOOL IS OVERRUN, ‘TIL NOW WE’VE BEEN OUTDONE! WE’LL HUNT THOSE HACKERS DOWN AND GET THEM ALL EXPELLED! THE LAW MUST BE UPHELD! LET’S GET THOSE HACKERS, WE’LL PUT THEM WHERE WE SHOULD! SPRINKLES:
LET’S GET THOSE FUCKERS, AND STAMP THEM OUT FOR GOOD.STORY JACK:
You caught me meditating on Transparent Horizons. You see, often at MIT, it’s hard to tell the difference between modern art installations, hacks, and construction work. Though on the surface, some of these may appear similar, hacks are unique for their thought, ingenuity, and the effort that goes into making them what they truly are. FARADAY:
Uh huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah, that looks like it shouldn’t take me too long to solder. TESS:
Thanks, Faraday. Don’t get too hosed. FARADAY:
Whatever. TENSOR:
Whoa! And if I move my finger there… Hey Piston! I never seen this knot before! Check it out! PISTON:
That’s nice, Tensor. TENSOR:
Ah, I can’t wait to show this to my 18.906 professor! He’s gonna love this, I’ve got to draw a picture! Oh no… BILLY:
Hey, Corot! Remember me? We’re here for the hack meeting! COROT:
Yeah, good to see you! BILLY:
Hi, I’m Billy! HUNTER:
What are you?? BILLY:
Billy? I want to learn to be a hacker! HUNTER:
You’re froshy as hell! BILLY:
Wait! I’m not froshy! What does “froshy” mean? COROT:
Alright, let’s get started. RYAN:
Hey Billy, over here! COROT:
Good evening, fellow hackers! I said — “Good evening, fellow hackers!” HACKSEMBLE: Good evening! This is a thrilling time, a time for honing new skills, pushing our limits, setting new standards, doing something challenging! We won’t just drop this hack down on the grass of Killian Court — HACKSEMBLE:No way! COROT:
Our target — HACKSEMBLE: The dome! COROT:
YES, THE DO-OOOOO-OOOOOO-MMM-E! NOW LET’S BEGIN. LET’S THINK THINGS THROUGH. A HACK IS SO MUCH MORE THAN SOMETHING CLEVER ON A ROOF. HACKS MUST BE SAFE, PREMEDITATED, DELIBERATED, CALCULATED, TO MAKE THINGS WORK, WE THINK BEFORE WE HACK. TESS:
I’VE GOT THE PLANS! HACKSEMBLE and BILLY:
BRAND NEW PLANS! TESS:
HERE, TAKE A LOOK! WE’VE STARTED THE DESIGN, AND IT’S AMBITIOUS BUT THOUGHT OUT. HACKSEMBLE:
THOUGHT OUT! COROT:
WE WANT THIS UP FOR HALLOWEEN – NOW GRAB YOUR TOOLS AND YOUR CAFFEINE, AND EVERYBODY MEET OUR BUILDING LEADS. HACKSEMBLE:
MEET OUR BUILDING LEADS! TESS:
I’M HEADING UP THE DRAGON WING. HACKSEMBLE:
OOO, DRAGON WING! FARADAY:
AND I’M IN CHARGE OF THE SCIENCE BOX. HACKSEMBLE:
OOO, SCIENCE BOX! COROT:
WE STILL NEED A LEAD FOR THE SQUID NET, SOMEBODY WHO’S AN EXPERT WITH ROPE… … and bondage doesn’t count. ELECTRA:
Yeah, it does… 🙁 TENSOR:
Well, you’ve roped me in. I’ll lead. You know I’ll knot let you down! COROT:
Thank you, Tensor. TENSOR:
You bet! COROT:
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE HACKSEMBLE:
HERE’S OUR CHANCE! COROT: FOR HANDS-ON LEARNING.
HACKSEMBLE: HANDS ON SKILLS! COROT:
NOW DON’T BE SHY, LOOK TO YOUR LEADS! THEY’RE HERE TO HELP YOU OUT! TESS:
JUST ASK US ANY QUESTIONS, AND WE’LL HELP YOU FIND THE ANSWERS, LEADS:
‘CAUSE HACKING IS AN AWESOME WAY TO LEARN! HACKSEMBLE: WE WANT TO LEARN! COROT:
OKAY WE’LL LEARN HACKSEMBLE:
TIME TO LEARN! COROT: HOW TO DEPLOY! HACKSEMBLE: WE’LL DEPLOY! COROT:
IT’S AN ART OF TACTICS, ART OF SKILL, AN ART OF METHODS, ART OF WILL! IT IS AN ART OF — KEPLER:
Oh, I’m sorry. I must be interrupting something important. Please. Carry on. Don’t mind me. RYAN:
Who was that?! TENSOR:
So, that’s Kepler. He’s sort of an angst source and a happiness sink. Basically, he’s a dick. TESS:
Let’s not get off track! Who wants to help me build? BILLY:
Uh, I do! But I’ve never done this before… TESS:
NO NEED TO FRET, EVERYONE STARTS SOMEWHERE. ALL OF US HAVE SKILLS TO LEARN, SO NO NEED TO DESPAIR. COROT:
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TRY WHEN WE WORK TOGETHER, OUR HACK WILL FLY HACKSEMBLE:
TO OUR TARGET — THE DO-OOOOO-OOOOO-MMMME! COROT: OUR TARGET!
HACKSEMBLE: NOW LET’S COROT: YEAH OUR TARGET!
HACKSEMBLE: GO COROT: YEAH OUR TARGET!
HACKSEMBLE: PULL COROT: YEAH OUR TARGET!
HACKSEMBLE: THIS COROT: WE’RE READY, LET’S GO PULL THIS HACK!
HACKSEMBLE: HACK! HACKSEMBLE: LET’S GO PULL THIS HACK! MAGS:
I’ve got two more psets I need to bang out before we start on this hack. ELECTRA:
Bang your psets? Now I’m jealous… MAGS:
We could have a threesome if you wanted, but I don’t think that’s practical. ELECTRA:
Hmm, maybe you’re right… we might get paper cuts. CONNER:
Um hi, excuse me? Can we miss builds if we have psets? PISTON:
No! Stupid! Wrong! You’re on pass/no record! TENSOR:
Most important equation you learn freshman year — A=B=C=P. PISTON:
Just punt them until later. CONNER:
Punt? PISTON:
You are a freshman. RYAN:
Hey- hey! Hey, Faraday! I want to help with the Science Box. It has a cool name! FARADAY:
Sure. I’m kind of hosed anyway. My friend, you’ll be helping me solder and if my body tries to go to sleep on me, light me on fire. COROT:
Hey Billy, what did you think of your first hack meeting? BILLY:
It was so epic! So awesome! HUNTER: Froshy! BILLY: Hey! COROT:
I’ll see you at the build! BILLY:
See ya! TESS:
What’s up? You’re usually pretty excited after these meetings. COROT:
It’s Kepler. I had a feeling he might show up, but I was hoping we wouldn’t have to deal with him. TESS:
I thought that might be it. COROT:
Let’s just hope he stays clear of us.

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