– Puddin’ is such a fun word,
and he ruined it. – Yeah, he did. – He’s ruined, kind of, all…
– No, the word. – …gelatin-like desserts.
– No, just the word. Yeah, all Jell-O?
– Yeah. Yeah, all gelat– anything that kinda shakes and doesn’t have
a natural form, I just… – Sweaters.
– (Liz) Yeah, it feels– – That you can mix well
with pills, you know. – It just–
it feels dangerous to me. – Yeah.
(laughter) – Just not gonna take
that risk. – Is he deteriorating and–
– Also, when you become an adult and you’re eating pudding
and Jell-O, you just seem creepy.
– Oh, yeah. – It’s just a creepy food
to eat, especially without a spoon. Have you ever ate Jell-O
just with your mouth? – That’s not creepy,
that’s just… you need to get
your life together. – I don’t understand
what you’re saying, like– – You need to wash the one
spoon in your sink. – Don’t think– yeah, like–
– Yeah. – Wait, why did you do that?
– Or pudding without a spoon? – Why?
– I just– I just didn’t have
clean utensils. – Right.
– So I was in bed, in the dark,
just eating pudding. – Ugh.
– Just with my mouth. – I hope things work out
with this girl. ♪♪ – People at Starbucks
hate you. – (laughing)
– You. – Me.
– (Andrew) Yeah. – Me.
– They hate anyone– – It’s pronounced “mee,”
sorry. – Yeah, “mah.”
I think it’s “mah.” – They– I can’t–
– (Andrew) They hate “mah.” – They– they have the same
demeanor as, uh, fli– people who– at the ticketing
counter for airlines, where they can tune out anyone
in front of them. – They have to, though.
– It’s a very tough job. – I know
it’s a survival technique. Oh, absolutely. I–
– Because– because people are taking it
entirely too seriously, which I get.
Like, as somebody that doesn’t spend $5 on a beverage
very often, it is kind of like–
if it’s fucked up, it’s like, yo, that’s a waste–
like, I’m not gonna drink this. I got a chai latte, and it tasted so disgusting,
and I won’t give it back. There’s– I– but I will
also drink it, ’cause I’m not gonna waste it.
– Oh, we talked about this. – And I was angry
for the rest of the day… – Liz…
– That I drank this disgusting– – Why won’t you give it back?
– I spent $4.50 on– – Liz, give it back!
Liz, give it back! – I can’t. I can’t!
‘Cause they’re not gonna do– ’cause I already drank it, so they’re not gonna do
anything with it. They’re just gonna
throw it out. And then I just
think of the world. And then I have to drink it
’cause I can’t waste anything. – Use the same cup–
No. They’re gonna throw it out.
You’re gonna waste it, too. You should get what you want,
and if– that means that
that person doesn’t know that they’re makin’
shitty chai lattes, then the next person’s gon–
they’re gonna make– that’s gonna
produce more waste, ’cause people are gonna
throw those out in the future after you unless he learns
that his chai tastes gross. So you gotta–
you gotta stop– you gotta call that out.
I can’t stand when I get– when I’m with– dining with someone,
and they’re too– like, they feel too bad
giving food back, so they just kind of like
pick at it. It’s just like,
ask for what you deserve. You need to ask for that
chai latte redone. I can’t– – If it’s– if it was–
– You paid $5! – I know, that–
– For liquid! – I know.
And when I make– – And 90% ice.
– When I– yeah, I know. And when I make that choice,
I’m just like– I’m treating myself.
I’m just like, you deserve this. And then when it’s gross–
– And then you won’t be mad all day.
– Oh, no, I mean, there’s def– people got yelled at
on the subway because of that chai latte.
– Exactly! – So you take it out on them.
– People pay. If I had kids,
somebody woulda got hit, like… (laughter) – With the chai.
– Yeah, with the chai. I’d be like,
“You drink it!” – Yeah, you’re right. – But after you finished
most of it. – Which has got to be
so sad that like, I think of some of
the bad days my mom had, and I’m just like… “She didn’t have the cup
of coffee she needed.” Like, that’s–
that’s really what it was. – Things that happen
throughout your day that– I always say it about guys
who don’t watch my– like if I have
a crush on a guy and he doesn’t watch
my Instagram story that I posted only for him…
– Yeah. (laughing) – …then I’m
literally meaner… – You’ve wasted my day.
– …to everyone in my life, and everyone suffers,
and I just call my mom. So, like, I alway–
you know when you call your mom so you can get
your aggression out because you can’t yell
at other people because Andrew’s underground
on the train or something? – Yeah. I heard you.
– And so he can’t take the call. Uh, I just scream
into the night. – Yeah. (laughing)
I got your service. – The energy, the energy of it.
– I got your serv– yeah, I felt gidd–
giddy in the subway. Giddy, kill yourself, yeah.
– Yeah. I think that we– if we don’t
stand up for ourselves, these things build and then we
take them out on our loved ones. – But what I feel bad– I don’t
feel bad as much at like a chain ’cause this was like
a mom-and-pop kind of coffee place.
Like a chain, I think I could give it back
because it’s like– it’s not their money.
– Right. – You know what I mean?
But like a part of me is just like, you wouldn’t be
charging $5 for a cup of coffee if this was like a– like a–
I don’t want to say a real business, but if it was
like a lucrative business. – Right, but it still
costs them nothing. Get your chai.
Please, next time it’s bad, will you just ask
for what you want back? You deserve it. You spent $5.
– I’ll do– I’ll do both. – And it’s nothing out
of their time to remake it. – The only time I’ve ever
given something back, I had, um, um–
what do you call it? Um, a green tea latte,
but I got it iced, and I had never
gotten it iced before, and it tasted like
grass clippings. – Mmm.
– And I was like– I literally– I took a sip and I was like,
I can’t. I can’t do this.
– Good. – I was like,
this isn’t okay. And the woman’s like,
“This is what it is,” and I was like,
you shouldn’t sell this. – Good, good.
– I was like, this is really– like it’s not like it’s a taste.
– It smell-tastes like the Gap fragrance
from 1996. – (Liz) Yeah.
– Grass. We all knew it. We all loved it.
– (Liz) And there was chunks. – Woods by Abercrombie.
– Whatever that powder was, it was chunks of that powder. – Oh, the matcha or like– yeah.
– Yeah, yeah. It was the grossest thing
I’ve ever– – (Nikki) Yeah.
– And I was just like, I-I can’t.
And she was like, “Do you want another drink?”
I was like, no, I’m done drinking today.
I was like– – No more fluids for me ’cause
this tasted like a lawn. – I was like, no.
I was like, I just want my money back.
– Yeah. There are some times
where you’re just like, how does anyone eat this?
It’s so disgusting. I mean, I feel that way
about meat now, but I’m not gonna get
on that train. But I just don’t get it when– when people are like, “Um, this
steak, uh, has a thing on it.” I’m like, yeah,
it’s a disgusting dead animal. Take it with whatever thing
is on it, that it’s more gross
than anything that might be infiltrating it. Yeah, dropping a steak–
dropping a piece of meat on the floor and then
not eating it? Oh, really? Already what you’re eating
is worse than whatever is on that floor. You’re eating the life
of a suffering animal. Okay, I shouldn’t
get onto this. We gotta go to break. (screaming) Um, I wish I didn’t feel
this way. I miss eating meat.
I really do. I wish I didn’t feel this way,
but I do, and I can’t stop. We’re gonna get to a new segment
we have on the show. It’s time for Good Question.
Today’s, uh, good question is, um, what’s something
you would do if society didn’t
find it unethical? What is something
you would do if society
didn’t find it unethical? Liz, I’ll start with you. – Can I have two?
– Sure. – Actually I have like seven,
but I’ll narrow it down to two. – Okay, narrow it down. – Um, littering.
– (Nikki) Ugh! – Definitely littering.
And-And I like really go out of my way not to be like
an awful person, but I’ve had days where I’m like just
literally carrying my trash, and I just think
if I didn’t care so much and if other people didn’t care
and if there wasn’t a fine, this would– this wouldn’t be
in my hand right now. – And the funny thing is, Liz,
people litter all the time. – It makes me so angry.
– And they live in a world where it doesn’t
seem unethical to them. They just throw it
on the-the ground. – Makes me so angry.
– Me too. And we’re women, so we can’t
confront half the people that are doing it really.
– Oh, I would never. – Or even–
– I watched– I watched a woman.
I was sitting at the train, and I watched a woman
sitting next to– like we were on the platform–
sitting next to a trash can, get up and drop it
on the plat– like on the pla– on the, uh,
where the subway is. And I was like, you’re sitting
next to a trash can! Like I gave her
the dirtiest look. I was like, it took more effort
for you to throw it onto the tracks where every sign
is telling you not to do that. Why would you do– like– – Because she was
probably molested. – Sounds like she had
a bad chai that day. (Nikki)
She suffered. She-She– – I did have a bad chai.
– Whenever someone is like acting out against
society and like just being loud and obnoxious in the world,
it’s because they’re so– in so much pain inside. I just see that as like
you need to like let people– like people who just shove you
and go like, “Hey, man!” Like they just want to fight
because they’ve been beat by their parents probably,
is what I think. – Why can’t you look at pictures
of animals on the Internet and calm the fuck down?
Like I just don’t understand. – They want to kill– they want
to beat those animals. They’re so filled with anger.
I think that litter real– littering really comes
from like just– You can tell that person
probably doesn’t take care of themselves.
– Yeah. – ‘Cause why would you care
about the Earth if you didn’t– if you cared about yourself?
– That’s one of the major things I see littered is like
cigarette packs. Like they’ll– like they’ll
take the wrapper off and they just throw it down.
– It’s nuts! – And you’re just like, what?
And then you think, all right, they are putting like toxins
in their body. Like it is like completely–
– You’re right. They’re littering their lungs.
– What am I gonna be– Yeah, yeah, like what am I
gonna be like? Hey, man,
some of us live here. – Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you’re right. That’s a good one.
– Like people have a less reaction to you
hitting your kids than you are to littering.
– Absolutely. – I firmly believe that.
– So start throwing litter on your kids.
– And people will be like, “Hey, hey, hey!
Some of us live here, buddy!” – Yeah, then people will call
Child Protective Services. – And the other one’s murder.
I’m-I’m a big fan of murder. – (Nikki) Oh, murder?
– Who would you murder? – Oh, so many people.
– Do you have a list? – And how would you?
– Honestly, I-I’m– I think– I think guns
are wrong, but I think stabbings are fine.
– Okay, okay. – I think if you’re willing
to like commit– – Listen, I’m willing
to hear you out on this. I’m gonna open my mind.
– Yeah, I’m open ears. (Nikki) Okay, if you’re
willing to commit. – If you’re willing to commit. If you’re willing to make
eye contact and live with that for the rest of your life,
I think you should be allowed. – Okay, that is an interesting
question though. – You know it’s gonna take
a few stabs though. – Oh, yeah, of course.
And also like I have one ab, and if I get like right in that
ab, it’s gonna– it’s gonna– I think I could really
fend it off. – Wait, why are you
stabbing yourself? – Why are you stabbing yourself? – I’m just saying if somebody’s
stabbing me. – Oh, if they’re
stabbing you back. You want it to be an even fight.
– Yeah, no, of course. No, I’m not gonna let
them have a knife. – Okay, okay.
– No, I’m mad. I’m letting you know. Could you imagine?
You go on the subway, and you’re like, I don’t
like your face, get ready. – Yeah!
– Yeah, we’re dueling. – Yeah.
– Who would you murder? Like I’m trying to think of,
if I had to murder someone today who would it be?
– People that don’t have headphones in public places.
I’m standing by that. I-I was thinking,
there’s either gotta be a charity of cheap–
’cause the headphones are already cheap to begin with.
Like you can get like these kind of like
$3 headphones. – Yeah.
– Or like the ones you get for free on the plane.
But like I was thinking of collecting them
and then just having a little note and handing
to people. The subway I can kind of
zone it out a little bit. But I’ve been like– you know
it’s like 4:00 a.m. and you’re at the airport.
– It’s littering. It’s noise litter.
– It is noise litter. You’re at the airport
and someone’s watching a movie or watch– and it’s– and I’ve–
– In Starbucks, yeah, there is that guy.
– And you like– I’ve moved away but you’re still at your gate
and you’re still trying to pay attention.
– You do the quick head turn. – But what happens is everybody
around them kind of glares and is just like, is it–
we’re all just gonna– and everybody goes, “Yeah,
we’re gonna have to be on a small plane
with this soon.” – Because he’s crazy
and if you confront him– – It’s your fault.
– It’s like when guys take their dick out.
– They flip it on you, yeah. – When guys take their dick out,
everyone goes, “Why are these girls
freaking out? The guy just took his dick out.”
And it’s like, because I don’t know what else
he’s capable of if he is doing that.
I know it’s “harmless,” but if someone is listen–
is crazy enough to be listening to a movie at full volume
at a gate, and– yeah, the normal thing
would be like, hey, buddy,
can you turn that off? No, it isn’t because
that person is crazy! – Yeah.
– And they’ll stab you. – And what’s crazy about it is–
like so I was in a Pinkberry, and a mom was on her phone.
– It all goes back to fro-yo. – Her mom was on her phone like
looking at social media, and her kid was watching
a movie full-fledge. – No.
– And I was like– and I was trying to talk
to my friend, and I– finally I was like,
can we just go? And we like walked
and we went to a Starbucks. And I was just like, I can’t.
Like she’s raising like the worst person right now.
– (Nikki) And you– – She’s not even– she’s
ignoring him, first of all. Like they’re both
just in their own worlds. Like there’s no like,
“How was school?” or whatever. But then she’s raising somebody
that thinks it’s okay to watch this cartoon
at full volume. I was gonna watch
that cartoon later! I don’t want to know
what happens! – Spoiler!
– (Andrew) Yeah, that’s true. You’ve already seen it
many times too. – Yeah, no, it’s a good movie.
– Well, it was like in Starbucks,
the guy was listening, but he seemed a little off and–
– Yes. They’re always off.
You’re off. If you’re listening to something
at full volume– – Yeah, it was hardcore rap.
– And there was a Reddit post the other day that was like,
“People who listen to things at full volume without
headphones, why?” And, um, and Reddit
is like everyone. There are people that are
reading that that do, and no one–
no one wrote back. It’s just people talking about
people that do it. No one is accountable.
I really wanna know what– I want to talk to someone
who has actually done it, and what’s your thought process?
My-My feeling is, you are– you– it’s just like
the littering thing. You’re so angry at the world
because of your life that you need to act out
and you need to get attention and you need to frustrate people
because you’re just– your anger inside,
it has to like leak out, and that’s just anger
leaking out. – I saw that– I saw that–
– I do think it’s a form of attention.
– Yeah. – But then if nobody’s
willing to say anything, are you really getting
what you want? – Mmm, that’s a good point.
– I saw it on a subway one time. Like an old white guy
and then a young black kid watching and listening loudly,
and then it turned into the white guy being…
– Racist. – …racist and like
out of touch. – (Nikki) Sure.
– And “You have an attitude.” “You can’t handle this.” “You’re in my city”
kind of thing. – Right.
– And like everyone kind of flipped it on this guy
being a grumpy asshole. – Yeah.
– Meanwhile– I don’t know. So you can’t really win
in that situation. – I’m gonna watch the video
of that confrontation on the subway
without headphones. – Yeah, you should.
– That’s my new move. – Look, if it was a guy
with like a hemp necklace listening to Dave Matthews,
I could tell him to shut the fuck up
so much easier. – Yes, I’m humiliated
when I accidentally think that my headphones are plugged
in and then it’s blaring. I’m hum–
– I’ve done that with my set. – Yes!
– Where I go to listen to my set and I’m just like,
it seems really low. And I’m turning it up louder,
and then I was like, “So I was on the subway,”
and you’re just like, aah! People know I talk about myself
for a living! – But that– I mean the reaction
you have in that moment, it’s like that would be–
to blare a song that you like a lot,
it’s so nuts. Um, I think–
what would yours be, Andrew? What would you do if society
didn’t deem it unethical? – Probably grab some tits. (laughter) – I mean… yeah. – There’s sometimes
I just get an urge where I just see some great tits
and I just wanna be like– not like anything weird.
Just I little… doot-doot. Like a fun thing, you know?
And we’re all like, eh, it’s fun,
and then I go on my day. It’d just be great.
– I feel like my murder one was more acceptable.
– I think so too. – I know.
I know it’s bad. But I just like–
– Well, no, I’m wondering like– you want to– you could do this,
’cause this seems like the middle school kids’ way
of grabbing tits. – (Andrew) Yeah.
– Because like don’t you wanna like go like that?
– What, is he doing a measurement?
Like, ohh! – If I saw a tit
that I really liked and was like, wow,
that’s a good tit, I would want to go like…
like that. – Yeah, you go from around–
– I wouldn’t wanna go like this. You’re not getting a good–
– It would be nice to get some skin.
– Get this. – Like to go under.
– To get– what do you mean, get some skin?
– To go under the shirt. – No, he doesn’t want
just the shirt. He wants–
– Oh, yeah, on the skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– I mean that would be even crazier, but like, yeah, I mean a little grab. I don’t think I’m asking much.
– Are you gonna ask? Is there any asking?
– No, there’s no asking. – It’s just going up and being
like, these are lovely? – (both) Yes.
– You’re doing a great job. – I can’t believe
you don’t already do that. – I do in my head.
– Honestly you are so– you do things so often that you
don’t know you’re doing them… – Mm-hmm.
– …where like I’ll– you know, I’ll be filming in–
one time it happened, I was filming in the green room
before a show, and I just put the–
I was like talking, and then I put the camera
on Andrew who didn’t know the camera was about to be
on him, and he just was like– and then he pulled a napkin
out of his mouth. A full napkin.
– While I’m grabbing the waitress’s tits.
– Yeah, the– but he doesn’t know
that he’s doing these things, so I’m like, oh, my God.
If his instinct is to grab a tit I bet you’ve almost
done it before. – I’ve almost done it,
and I’ve almost– I’ve almost kicked
someone down stairs. You know like when people
stand on the stairs? Like I have that vision
so strongly that I’m like, what if I just–
you know what I mean? Like “This is Sparta” him.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. – Like I hate those people
so much that stand on top of the stairs.
It’s just like– it’s not a– I don’t know.
So the tits– – That seems just dangerous
in general. You have 8 million people going
down into the subway system and you’re gonna make
your phone call there? – Yes, yes!
– That’s where you’re gonna make your phone call?
– Sometimes people bump you and you just wanna throw ’em
in the subway tracks. – Mm-hmm.
– Just a little. Like have fun.
Like, you know, enjoy. And grab their tits first.
– Yeah. – On their way down just–
you know? But you know it’s–
you know, I don’t know. Some dark things
go on in my head. – I would like to be able
to masturbate in public. – Yeah, but do you–
would people watch you? – No, but I-I just would–
– (Andrew) So you’d be in your own like force field
or like– – I think it– no, I just wish–
if it were acceptable, then it wouldn’t matter
if people watched me. Do you know what I’m saying?
Like it would be as innocuous as me scratching my arm.
– So you wanna be a monkey? – Yeah.
– Yeah, yeah, I would like– – Where it’s just like,
this is how I feel and I want to do it now.
– Because for me, the urge to masturbate does not
come upon me that often, and when it does,
I would like to seize it. – Yeah.
– And a lot of times, I’ll be like on the train,
I’ll get turned on– or somewhere that it’s
inappropriate to masturbate, and then by the time I get home,
that desire is gone and I can’t do it on my own.
– Nobody thinks about the phrase “seize the moment” is inspiring
the wrong people. Like I’m starting to think–
(laughter) I’m starting to think that you
see that, and you’re just like, but I can’t seize the moment
the way I want to. (laughter) – Some guy’s being, yeah,
arrested for public exposure, “I was seizing the day!”
– Yeah, yeah. – Carpe diem! I watched “Dead
Poets Society” this morning! – Yeah, I mean it is–
– “My captain, my captain.” It’s like, no,
your dick’s out, dude. – Yeah, yeah.
– That– yeah. – Yeah, I just–
– Standing on a desk like– – Or picking my nose.
I hate when you have like a really good old boog…
– Yours are so like– – …and you just wanna get–
– On you though. What would you do
to someone else? Those are things
that you do to yourself. Would you like to grab a penis? – No. Eww!
– No, no. No woman–
no woman feels that way. You guys are so disconnected
to women, it’s insane. – Oh, my God!
Grab a penis? – Just a little cuff.
A little cuff of a cock. – When I don’t see a penis,
it’s a good day. I feel that way.
– Eeh, oh, yeah. – I’m not saying
I don’t enjoy sex. – But if it was like
the hottest– this Argentinean soccer player?
– I just don’t need to see it. – Ripped to shreds?
– Even then I don’t want to see his dick unless it is
hard and about to go in me. Let’s get into Dear “You Up.” Yup, this is where we read
your mail into the show. Let’s talk to you guys,
our listener. Yeah, you write in to us,
and this is where we address it. All right,
this is from JakeBower17. “Look–”
He said, “Look–” – With a comma?
– “Look” dash. – Dash?
– “I just can’t try anymore “to be entertained
by your show. “You complain about not being
able to find a loving “and caring boyfriend one time,
and then the next time, “you’re talking about holding
come in your mouth for 30 minutes for a bit
for just you and some guy.” That was his– that was the meat
of the-the text that we got. Um, there was more that he said,
but that’s all we got to, so… – Was that a question?
– Um, yeah. He’s mad at me
that I’m complaining that I can’t find a boyfriend,
but then he’s mad that, with an ex-boyfriend, I did
a bit where I held his come in my mouth for a super
long time for a joke. – Yeah, does that correlate? – I don’t know that those
are, um, related. – I mean, but that’s also where
men’s heads are at, which is, if you want a boyfriend,
you have to be kind of demure and you have to–
– That’s it. That was his point.
– His point is that, if you want a boyfriend,
if you want a husband, if you want to be seen
as taken seriously as a woman, you have to be–
you have to act a certain way. – Then I should spit this out
right now? – Yeah, yeah.
– Okay. Because I do want a boyfriend. I’ve been holding on to this.
I thought that’s how you get them is you hold on
to their come forever. – Yeah, but not for seven years.
– Well, it’s been hard to spit, like and tucked away
when I do stand-up. – I get it, and you can bring it
up whenever you want. – Yeah, I really– yeah.
– It’s pretty amazing. – Is it like chewing tobacco
where you just kind of keep it like– You’re like, well, this is
kind of the weirdest cancer. – It can give you cancer.
– I’ve just invented my own type of cancer.
It’s come cancer. Nobody talks about
how women have a higher rate of come cancer. And this is why we’re here.
– Well, you do. HPV warts, yeah.
– I’m glad we brought this up. – Yeah.
– So I mean, do they want you to hold the come
for a short– 30 minutes too long?
Like what’s– how long– – I think Liz is hitting
on it perfectly. (Andrew)
Yeah, I think you are too. – This guy’s frustrated
that I’m talking about being a gigantic slutbag, and that slutbags don’t find
loving boyfriends. And guess what.
You’re kind of right. I haven’t found one yet.
– I don’t think that’s true. – And I am a huge slutbag. – That’s not true though. – It’s not true at all,
of course. – It’s not true at all.
I mean I think– I think if you’re somebody– – Do you have come
in your mouth right now? – You know,
I brush my teeth a lot. – (Nikki) Yeah.
– Nikki, yeah. – We just went to the bathroom.
That’s what girls do in the bathroom together,
is talk about all the come in our mouths.
– Yeah, I was just like, dude, I’ve gotten this floss.
It really helps with the come. Um, just ’cause we just
trade secrets ’cause we care
about each other. No, I-I think the truth is,
is that there’s this belief that if you’re promiscuous
that you don’t deserve somebody loving, and also that
if you’re promiscuous that you don’t want
something loving, or that if you’re promiscuous
you’re somehow tainted. And none of those facts
are true. Somebody that’s–
you-you have– I think there’s gonna
be people that go, “I enjoy sex and I enjoy having
different partners,” and I think as long
as you’re safe about it, I think that’s really
the key part that I think… – Right.
– …is non-negotiable, be safe about it, then you’re
just gonna be with somebody that you can be open with.
I have a friend that has a new boyfriend now
and she jokes about it. She’s like, “Yeah, there was
a lot of people before you, “and you need to be okay
with that, but I’m also not “cheating on you.
I’m not being a shitty person. I’m not being dishonest.”
– Yeah. – I think it’s fine.
If you’re somebody that wants somebody that hasn’t been
with a lot of people, then that’s your M.O.
That’s what’s important to you. But don’t put that on me
because you heard a show and was like, “You need
to change your whole life if you want somebody
to love you.” That’s ridiculous.
– Yeah, I agree with you. And anyone that dates me
has to deal with the fact that I talk about
that kind of stuff on stage, so they’re gonna be confronted
with it constantly. – Why would you want to be–
– Yeah. You’re gonna hold come
in your mouth. Like that’s who you are, Nikki.
– Yeah. And because I’ve held
other guys’ come in my mouth, I’m gonna hold yours
someday too, babe. – Yeah, don’t–
– And I’ll do it for longer ’cause I’ve trained.
– Yeah, I do it for– (laughter)
– Yes. – I’m an athlete
and nobody talks about it. – I’ll hold your come
forever and ever. – I can do a 7-minute plank.
– Until death do us part. – Your vows
are gonna be awesome. – Right before I die,
I’ll swallow, but not until then,
until we are separated by death. Um…
– Your oral race is so weird. – Does anyone have anything
to say about this? Does anyone have any problem?
(muttering indistinctly) – Yeah.
– It’s just another girl with come in her mouth.
– When do you let go? – Yeah.
– Oh, man. – Yeah, that’s who
you are though. – Yeah, it is, but also,
that being said, I don’t like when guys wanna
like court me or take me out and their first thing is like…
very sexual with me. Like I feel like a lot of guys
will lead with like, “You’re a whore and you do
all these dirty things. “I love that you love anal.
I love that you like getting fingered,” and I’m like,
don’t talk to me about that before I trust– like I don’t–
I don’t want to lead with that, so I guess I am sending
mixed messages for some idiot men out there. – I don’t– I mean maybe,
but also, read a room. I mean that’s really what
it comes down to. – Rita Rudner.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah! – Great guy. Rita Ora. – Yeah, I mean–
no, you’re right. – No, read a room.
At the end of the day, if we’re talking about books
and you’re just like, “Where do you like
get fingered?” and you’re just like,
come on, man. – Yeah.
– Like rather than like if we’re sending
sexy text messages, or if we’re being flirty,
by all means. But it’s like– in the–
if you’re asking me how many siblings I have
and then it goes to fucking– you know?
– It’s just guys will slide into my DMs and say
disgusting things ’cause they think that
that’s how I– they hear me talk on the radio
and that’s how I just wanna like lead off a conversation. I mean there’s probably
a handful of men that could probably talk to me
that way initially and I’d be like, yes,
and they’re all famous. – But also why–
– And people I’ve already thought about fucking.
Not you, guy that I don’t even know what your profile is
’cause it’s on private and there’s a picture
of a-a dog on your m– like I don’t know who you are.
Don’t offer to finger me. – We’re allowed to see men
as complex but we’re not– like I get– as somebody
that follows you, I can see that you’re posting
about like social issues. I can see that you’re
posting about shows. I can see that you’re posting
about something weird that might have happened.
So it’s like we’re allowed to, throughout the day
and throughout our lives, talk about various topics,
but they have decided to corner you and be like, “This
is all that is important to her. This is all that you focus on.”
– Yes. – “And this is how
I’m gonna lead in.” Well, you didn’t talk to me
about Planned Parenthood. You didn’t talk–
you know what I mean? – Yeah.
– You didn’t go through these other social issues. So I just–
everybody’s complex. Everybody has a time and a place
that they wanna talk about that. And I think a lot of people
miss the mark, not even just when it comes
to men and women. Just I’ve had fans that’ll go
like right into like, “A,” misquoting a joke,
but then also like talking about something where I’m just like,
this is not how you lead a conversation.
– Yeah, I’m a freak on the stage
and a lady in the streets. Don’t come up to me
and say disgusting things. Like at meet-and-greets,
guys say such gross stuff. Oh, what did he say
this past weekend? This guy brought me chocolate
in Buffalo, which a lot of the fans brought chocolate
’cause I guess they’re famous for chocolate or something.
And, um– and he brought it. And I go, oh, I–
thank you so much. I was like, I’ll find
someplace for this. I’m vegan though, and so–
and he goes, “Oh, so you can, uh,
you can fuck a bunch of guys without a condom
but you can’t eat some dairy?” And I was like, what?
– Yeah. – First of all,
those two have– I didn’t say I fucked a bunch
of guys without a condom. What are you talk–
like you didn’t– he chose to hear that
out of my set because I talked
about one ti– like using the pull-out method
with a boyfriend. – Yeah.
– Yeah, like out of context. And then I’m like,
are there– yeah, I can–
it can be both. And I could fuck a bunch of guys
without a condom and still not want
to eat cow’s milk. – I just wanna– I just love
the idea that you’re just like, hey, if you’re a slut,
you can’t have allergies or opinions or– like it’s like
there’s this fine line between– again, you can’t see women
as complex. – I’m not come-toast intolerant. I will– I’ll– I don’t think
it’s cruelty to animals to have a bunch of come in me,
but I-I– yeah. And so if there were come
in that chocolate, I would’ve gobbled it up! – Did you read
the ingredients, Nikki? – Yeah, there could’ve been.
– Yeah. – There always can be come
in chocolate when a fan is giving it to you. – Yeah.
– You should always assume. – I ate them.
I ate ’em. – Andrew ate all of it. – I just licked around
the chocolate. Do you want to ask
five questions on Nikki and see who could
get ’em right? Noah, maybe Noah ask
the questions. – I actually think as–
’cause we’re just– I would say that we’re like
friendly friends. You know what I mean?
– Yeah. – Like more peers.
You get to a point where you’ve worked with somebody
for like 10 years on and off,
it’s not like a real office, but you know enough.
– You know their wardrobe. – But– yeah.
But I mostly wear overalls. – Yeah.
– But, um– but you– but I do think,
just being women, I could probably win.
– All right, let’s do it. – Okay.
– Who’s gonna ask questions? Is Noah or do you ask us
the questions? – I don’t even know–
understand what kind of questions
I’m asking. – Ahh…
– Um, okay. Uh…
– Do we write it down or do we– – It would be something like,
what’s your biggest fear? – Oh, that’s good.
I like that. What is my biggest fear?
That’s a great one. – To never be truly loved. – Okay, that’s good. – Sun. – Okay, yours is wrong. – Not true?
– Um, if you said aging. – You are so afraid of the sun.
– If you said being ugly. – Well, that’s connected.
Those are all connected. – Well, um, yes.
Well, both– both are connected.
Let me talk through this. The sun I avoid because
I don’t wanna age prematurely. And aging prematurely means
you’re getting uglier and less attractive
to men quicker, and so, um, it is– the real fear
is not being ever loved. And if I age,
no one will ever love me. You’re both right! – Yeah!
All right, next one. – Yes!
– These are fun. Or can we just
connect everything? – What brings me
the most joy in life? – My misery. (laughter)
– Great answer. – Hot men’s attention. – Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
– (Andrew) Does it really? – How did you not get
that one, Andrew? – I know.
I was having fun. And I think they both
are connected. (laughter) All right, next.
These are fun. – Yeah, um, oh, God.
I hate that it all lands– (Andrew) Yeah, it’s hard
that you have to– yeah. – Uh, what, um–
what’s the– what-what’s the last thing
that got me to cry? – Somebody not returning
your text message. – Mmm. – Uh, uh, a pig dying. – Interesting.
Um, well, both are kind of right. – Yeah!
(laughter) – This pig didn’t return
my text messages. – Yeah.
– Honestly– – A cop. – I cried yesterday in–
in therapy. And not for a reason–
it came– it got me– I’m going to this new therapist
that does this weird stuff where I’ll just be like, and so
I’m preparing for my special and I’m stressed out about it
because I have to do this set tonight
and then I have to do this and I don’t know what the order
of things I have to do, and she goes,
“Hey, can we just check in “with your body right now? Can we just check in
how that feels in your body?” And I’m like,
I– what does that mean? And she’s just like,
“Close your eyes and like focus on how your body feels
when you’re saying all this.” And I’m like, okay.
And then I’m like– and then I do it and, um–
and then at one point, we were talking about,
um, masturbation because she’s a sex therapist
and she– my first– this is my second
session with her was yesterday. The first one, I was talking
about masturbation and I was like,
and I struggle with it. Like most of the time I just
give up ’cause it’s too frustrating and it’s like
too hard to like have an orgasm, so I just like quit.
And um– It’s kind of like
the same thing– I got a foot massage
a couple days ago. And the foot massage was bad,
and instead of like suffering through the 30 minutes of it,
I just stopped the woman. I was like, you’re–
this is bad. I’m done. And it was just
like unheard of. And I feel the same way
about hook-ups. Like if a guy is bad,
I just like will be like, put your dick away and leave.
I can’t tolerate any– I won’t do things
out of obligation anymore. And that even goes…
– Good. – …towards myself.
Like when I try to masturbate and it’s taking too long,
I’m just like, I quit. I don’t see anything through.
– You’re bad at this, Nikki. – I’m bad.
I go, you’re bad. You’re bad.
Can you just do my nails? Um…
– Can you get a man? – Yeah, can you get a man?
Exactly. That’s what I ask for
from the foot massage therapist. (Andrew) It’s what you tell
your dildo, yeah. – Um, so she was like–
we were talking about masturbation yesterday
’cause I don’t know– what’s your relationship
with it, Liz? Are you willing
to speak of that? – I mean I’m not…
I’m not one of those people that like does it all the time,
and then there’ll just be like a week where I’m just like–
it’s endless. Like I just feel like I have
these bursts of like– and I don’t know if–
and it’s only been in my 30s that it’s been like that.
Like I would say from like 29 until now, it’s just I will–
and I guess– I’m sure if I mapped it out,
I would be like, oh, I’m like on–
like I’m menstruating, you know what I mean?
Or like– or um– – You’re ovulating, yeah.
– Ovulating, thank you. Um, but like I don’t know.
It’s– I-I could go months. – And then there’s sometimes
where you go on like a streak every day.
– And then there’ll be like three days in a row
and I’ll be like, ugh! – Yeah, okay,
that makes sense. But you– your–
it’s not even– yeah. – Do you do toys or just…? – Um, most– mostly. I have a vibrator
and I just keep buying the same one when it dies.
– Oh, yeah. – It’s been that reliable.
– Instead of buying a battery? – That’s great.
– Twice I’ve tried a different one
and it was so– I did send one back.
– Good. – I was like, this is bad.
– This tastes like grass. – Yeah, this tastes
like grass. – Ready for radio.
– Oh, here we go. Big road trip. – Hello, hi. – You excited?
– Um… – Is that all you have?
– Yeah. This is for–
what is it? It’s-It’s Tuesday.
This is till Saturday. – And same as this.
– That is disgusting. That’s all you’re bringing?
– Yeah. – One backpack?
– One backpack. ♪♪ You still have
that old piece of shit. – I mean this is my purse.
– No, this is modern. This– but this thing.
– This was a gift. – Your old Betsy.
– This is old. I got this from TJ Maxx
in 2011. – Looks like it’s made
out of duct tape, look at this. Look at this duct tape.
– It is. It is. The handle broke, so people–
uh, men were getting their hands sliced on it.
– If you weren’t showered, you’d look homeless with this. – If I wasn’t showered?
– Yeah. – Thank you.
– Like you look like– I mean it’s–
it’s disgusting. – I mean it is gross,
but what am I supposed to do? It still works.
Do you just like give away– – You have a lot of money.
– I-I know. But then what do I do– but then
this is a perfectly good suitcase that I–
I guess I could donate it. – No one would take it.
– Excuse me. – But like I don’t need–
sorry, sir. Sorry, all my stuff.
– Is there a fire? (laughing) – I didn’t even know that that–
what is in there? (laughter)
What did he just go fix? – It’s a critical system area. – Did you see him look
at my bag? He was like, “Gross.”
– Yeah, no. That’s why he’s probably
going in there. – Yeah.
– Probably trying to– that’s probably a fire hazard.
– I mean– – Look at this thing.
What do you have in there? – But here’s the problem.
– Four days. – Here’s the problem
with packing. So, as a woman,
you have lots of serums that weigh a lot,
like liquids. You have makeup
that weighs a lot. You have a blow-dryer.
You have shoes that weigh a lot because there’s chunky heels.
You have jeans that are actually so–
weigh a lot, so all the heaviest things
I put in my smaller bag. So this is all jeans,
toiletries, shoes. And then all the light stuff
goes in here because you gotta do
under 50 pounds. I could fit everything
into just this, but it would be over 50 pounds
and then I would have to pay $200 more for it to fly.
– Ohh. – So you have to bring two bags,
and, um… and I need all this stuff.
Like I need– I need four pairs of shoes
for a five-day trip. – I don’t know.
I just– yeah. You can’t condense it.
– But I mean like, what do you have
in terms of toiletries? – I have, uh–
so this is what I do. If I stay at the hotel, I get
toothpaste there and razors. So that– I take that
into account, that I know that that’s gonna be
there and it’s free, so it’s on– and then I have
one stick of deodorant that I sometimes bring. And then I have a toothbrush.
– Sometimes? – I have a Quip
that you bought me, which needs a new head,
’cause that thing is looking dangerous.
– Mm-hmm. – I don’t even have bristles.
It’s just– yeah. And then, um,
and then I have my three– my three shirts.
I have three T-shirts. – When was the last time
you brushed your teeth? – This morning.
– Was it? I see some plaque.
– Three pairs of socks. Three pairs of underwear. And then I wear these shoes
on stage. – But you’re gone
five to six days. Three pairs of underwear does–
that doesn’t make sense. – I wear the same
for two days. They’re two-dayers.
They’re thicker. – Why? How can you wear
underwear two days in a row? – Because I wipe my ass. – I can’t believe how little
you bring on the road with you when I have all of this. – Do you think
that when a– a husband– do you think that
I should bring more stuff, or do you think that you
should bring less? Or where– where– – Um, no, I just want to
acknowledge that it’s not fair, and that men should be
helping me with my bags, and no one ever does. – I carry your bag constantly.
– I– when I ask you to.
Men just don’t– they watch a girl struggle
with bags and they just go, “That’s just…”
It’s so rare that– I will seriously
be walking like this, and no one will ever make
an attempt to carry my bag. Whenever you have,
it’s ’cause I’ve literally left it next to you
and been like, get it. – Eh, I’ve brought it upstairs
many times, four flights. – Yes, because
I’ve told you to. – And you pay me.
– Yes. – Yeah.
– Yes. But most of the time I’m behind
you with all my bags like, eh, and you’re just with your
little backpack on your phone, just going like,
“So where should we go later?” And I have all my bags.
– Yeah. And you pick the place to go.
– I think I just want a boyfriend ’cause I just want
to like have someone carry my bags for me. I’m just tired of bags. Throw another one on me. Like seriously. This is who I am. – I’ll get this.
– Yeah, that’s– thanks for getting my purse. Like this is what’s holding me
back, literally, all this stuff. And everyone’s like,
“Oh, I don’t– “like girls want boyfriends
so that they can have Valentine’s Day gifts…”
– Mm-hmm. – “…or someone
to brush their hair when they’re feeling PMS’y,”
but it’s like, just carry my bag! ♪♪